trying to “fit in” is exhausting.yet, at different moments throughout my life, i can recall that “fitting in” was the only thing that i cared about.in fifth grade, it was “fitting in” with the popular girls, and in high school, my tennis team, and even just recently, i found myself longing to be defined wholly by my yoga practice - instead of letting my practice be an extension of who i am.
as an individual who tends to gravitate towards the “black” and “white” of things, in my mind, if i wanted to be a true yogi, i needed to become a vegan, pierce my nose, drink wheatgrass and eliminate my carbon footprint.but all those external factors (that i felt i should impose upon myself in order to become a “real” yoga practitioner) have nothing to do with my authentic self.they’re not me.they’re not cailen.
my nose isn’t pierced (yet, haha), and i like drinking cosmos at happy hour.i can’t do all yoga poses perfectly (far from it), and i don’t know all their sanskrit names.i’m not always calm or ego-free, though i’m working on it.i really, really am.meditation kicks my butt, and i can be totally impatient, and that bothers me.i’m hard on myself sometimes and still struggle with my self-image sometimes.but, overall, i’m getting better at accepting me…all of me…perceived flaws and all.
i like yoga and vodka.does that make me less of a yogi?i don’t think so.yoga is the unity of all of who you are – body, mind and soul.and it takes real guts to stand in all of who you are.
i’ve come to realize that fitting in is kind of boring.it’s expected and encourages you to define your life from the outside-in.when you try to fit in, you live your life according to what you think you should do, wear, eat or say, instead of moving outward from your inner wisdom.fitting-in is a life disconnected.
so, come back to yourself, and see the beauty that was always there.no apologies.